If you did follow the story, it has been almost half a year now
And I am not fully recovered from that
How shocking is that
I have not cried so much when my last romantic relationship ended
In fact I have not cried so much in my life
This hit me real hard I guess
But anyway I can now say I am much better than before
I would start crying when I first open my eyes in the morning
I would start crying while driving
I would start crying at any random time
Why
Because the guilt is so strong that it almost felt like it is going to eat you up
I once read from a book that wrote self guilt is worse than a jail
It is not wrong at all
It does feel like a jail a prison a heavy burden on your shoulder
The therapist once ask me, when do you want to let this burden off your shoulder
The moment she finish this question I remember so clearly that I burst into tears
Because I do not know when and I do not know how
The guilt is following me anywhere I go everywhere I go
It was a mistake that I made
There are a lot of voice in this healing process
Some say it's your mistake you must take this punishment
Some say so what you did apologise
Some say so what if you apologised would a murderer be forgiven if he apologise
Some say it's okay let it go friends grow apart at some point
So yeah these are the voices that I have heard throughout the healing
Some are harsh so very harsh
Some are very supporting
Regardless these are all voices from the outside
But I know my inner voice is the most important voice I should be listening
For the past few months I have been working on to listen to my inner voice
For the past few months I have been trying to find out if it was really my mistake and if I should take this so called punishment
For the past few months I have been trying different ways to make myself feel better at home
For the past few months I have been asking myself if I deserve this silent treatment
For the past few months I have been asking myself if not talking to each other IS OKAY
For the past few months I have been trying to be okay
I thought I have been okay or at least "recovered"
Sometimes I feel like I have "recovered" from this
But whenever I talked about or thought about it
It hurts so much, still
It's almost a 10 years old friendship
How could it be so fragile
Will I ever find my answer?
Maybe there is no answer
Maybe one day I will forgive myself and be happy again
Maybe there was no right or wrong just not right
...
Friendship break up is a thing.
In case you wonder what happened that I have to go through an at least 6 months long of silent treatment
I deleted her in instagram
And the reason was at one point of the time I felt like I am going to lose this friend and I felt like I have to prepare myself for that
Hence that silly and impulsive action
And this is the consequence
Silent treatment
Treating you as if you are invincible at home
Yep.
I am trying to be okay with this because people say it is okay
