hi es
how have you been
lets be a little cliche
how are you my inner child
haha
overall i think i am doing pretty well
though there are times where i still think about the past
but i dont dwell in that for too long
work has been busy
lots to learn
lots of learning in people management
lots of learning in carrying myself in people management
so yes its all learning and managing everything at the same time
sounds a little hectic
yes that is right
i would be lying if i say its all sailing smooth
but all is good
anyway
therapy has been good
i did a card for patty but have not send it out yet
at times i am so grateful that i took this path
sometimes i wonder if who am i today was because of what happened in the past
i am worry that i might be a little too sensitive (?)
sometimes i do think that what happened in the past does shape you into you today
so yeah a lot of thinking
but overall its good its good
if it isnt any good i think i would be stuck in the same mud hole
i am out of it
i just need to slowly move forward which i think i did
but at a very slow pace and sometimes i tend to stop and look back
so yeah iykyk
so -
zw brought up today that yy has invited us to her wedding next year
the first question i asked zw was
"is A invited as well"
then i felt very uneasy and lots of worry just decided to come to visit me
it is still a blur to me why do i feel that way
so i am here
hoping that noting down this will help me to manage my emotions a lil better
so few things
there are a few emotions i could label
fear fear fear worry scared
fear as i do not know how to face her
fear as i do not know how to carry myself if i see her
fear as i do not know if i should say hi to her
fear as i do not feel like saying hi to her actually but not sure how people would see me
fear as i do not feel like even seeing her actually
fear as i am worry that i could not be the bigger person like what zw expect
scared as i do not know how she sees me as a person now
perhaps she would think that i am the one who tried so hard to climb over her wall
which i wont deny coz i did but with an intention to be closer with her where i was rejected in the harshest way it could be and with 0 respect
i have come a long way
but it also seems like i have not come a long way
because it seems like i am still being affected with her (possible) presence
because we do not know if A was invited anyway
so why am i bothered
haha just fear
have i done anything wrong
perhaps probably
did i try to fix the wrong doing that was labelled
yes i did i tried so hard
ok so i think i am good now
i tried so hard to fix the issue
its not being seen
at all
but blame
i have come a long way
it is ok to feel fear scared and worry
it is ok
i have myself
i can manage this
i can not say hi to her
i think i can
i think i want to be selfish for once
so am i over it or not
perhaps not
do i need to be over it
i dont think so
it is part of my story
it will be there forever
i might be thinking about it at times
i might be affected by her at times
and that is ok i guess
i am able to manage the waves of emotions
it is what it is
