am i over it or...not

hi es

how have you been 

lets be a little cliche

how are you my inner child 

haha 

overall i think i am doing pretty well 

though there are times where i still think about the past 

but i dont dwell in that for too long 

work has been busy 

lots to learn 

lots of learning in people management 

lots of learning in carrying myself in people management 

so yes its all learning and managing everything at the same time 

sounds a little hectic 

yes that is right 

i would be lying if i say its all sailing smooth 

but all is good 

anyway

therapy has been good 

i did a card for patty but have not send it out yet 

at times i am so grateful that i took this path 

sometimes i wonder if who am i today was because of what happened in the past 

i am worry that i might be a little too sensitive (?)

sometimes i do think that what happened in the past does shape you into you today 

so yeah a lot of thinking 

but overall its good its good 

if it isnt any good i think i would be stuck in the same mud hole 

i am out of it 

i just need to slowly move forward which i think i did 

but at a very slow pace and sometimes i tend to stop and look back 

so yeah iykyk

so - 

zw brought up today that yy has invited us to her wedding next year 

the first question i asked zw was 

"is A invited as well"

then i felt very uneasy and lots of worry just decided to come to visit me 

it is still a blur to me why do i feel that way 

so i am here

hoping that noting down this will help me to manage my emotions a lil better 

so few things 

there are a few emotions i could label 

fear fear fear worry scared 

fear as i do not know how to face her 

fear as i do not know how to carry myself if i see her 

fear as i do not know if i should say hi to her 

fear as i do not feel like saying hi to her actually but not sure how people would see me 

fear as i do not feel like even seeing her actually 

fear as i am worry that i could not be the bigger person like what zw expect

scared as i do not know how she sees me as a person now 

perhaps she would think that i am the one who tried so hard to climb over her wall 

which i wont deny coz i did but with an intention to be closer with her where i was rejected in the harshest way it could be and with 0 respect 

i have come a long way 

but it also seems like i have not come a long way 

because it seems like i am still being affected with her (possible) presence 

because we do not know if A was invited anyway 

so why am i bothered 

haha just fear 

have i done anything wrong 

perhaps probably 

did i try to fix the wrong doing that was labelled

yes i did i tried so hard 

ok so i think i am good now

i tried so hard to fix the issue 

its not being seen 

at all 

but blame 

i have come a long way 

it is ok to feel fear scared and worry 

it is ok 

i have myself 

i can manage this 

i can not say hi to her 

i think i can 

i think i want to be selfish for once 

so am i over it or not 

perhaps not 

do i need to be over it 

i dont think so

it is part of my story 

it will be there forever 

i might be thinking about it at times

i might be affected by her at times

and that is ok i guess

i am able to manage the waves of emotions 

it is what it is 

overwhelmed

being someone who takes everyone so seriously can be quite overwhelmed at times 

the past two weeks have been really occupied 

it almost felt like there was no time to process anything that I'm feeling 

but anyway 

I've learnt so much so so much from all the experts from infant milk powder industry 

not gonna lie that there are so much to take in and process 

not gonna lie too that I'm putting a very high expectation on myself too 

I've been getting lots of kind words and encouraging words from the management team 

the audit part was really hectic but I enjoyed it 

I love the team spirit where everyone work together to get one thing done 

the bond we built for the past two weeks have been amazing 

now that the audit has come to and end 

we are now back to the normal days

which means saying goodbye, for now

which means going back to our duty and not seeing each other for 7 days a week from 8am to 6/7pm

it's kinda sad tbh 

aih im not good in saying goodbye 

believe . 相信

i guess everything has come to an end 

well slowly 

decided to do this blog instead of writing on my diary today

anyway lets get back on the...story

in reality things has end 

though in the ugliest way and in the most un-peaceful way 

it was a choice 

it was her choice 

she decided to post things online on public instead of talking to us talking to me 

it was her choice 

she decided to tell us things in the most passive aggressive way 

it was her choice

she decided to tell us that she is not happy in the most unhelpful way to the situation in the most indirect way 

i dont blame anyone if i told them what she did to us even if it was my closest friend

because what she did was unbelievable 

she has always been perfect 

she has always been the most big hearted person 

she has always been the most easy person 

but if i am being honest 

it is sad to feel that the close friend doesnt quite buy what i said 

it does 

but i clearly know they may not wanna get into this messy situation 

but i dont know if that is the reason 

or maybe they just done believe what i said 

but does it really matter 

it does not really matter actually 

because this is my journey 

so i told the therapist that this journey is quite lonely at times 

for the reason being that they dont see what i see and they dont feel what i feel and they may not believe what i see or say 

(i did say she is trying to get all the attention she gets and play the victim in this incident)

the therapist agreed and she say healing is sometimes painful too 

i nodded quite vigorously 

the therapist also added that in any way we should believe in ourselves that this is our experience and what has happened did happen 

so yes believe 

i choose to believe myself my experience this time though it is so difficult 

but anyway 

i wanna thank those (less than one handful) of people who told me that nobody deserve such treatment like that i have received for the past few months 

i also wanna thank those who actually i feel they believe what i said at the first time where i dont have to keep explaining myself keep providing evidence for what i said 

on the other hand

i also wanna thank those who tell me apologizing means nothing when you have done something wrong 

i also wanna thank those who tell me apologizing does not mean forgiveness will be given 

thanks for telling me all these harsh truth but i dont work this way 

i wouldnt treat the ones i care in any way like what she did 

i believe there are many many many other way to resolve a conflict 

i believe there are many many many gentler way to resolve a miscommunication 

i believe there are many ways to work things out 

but that is what i believe 

not her 

...

so long my friend 

we shall not meet for a good while 

it has been too much to take in and process

and very painful too 

you may not feel the pain

but that is not important anymore

but i also do believe you are going through some painful thoughts that led you to react this way

i hope you find your way out some day 

...

love,

esther 

healing

Healing is a very long process

If you did follow the story, it has been almost half a year now 

And I am not fully recovered from that 

How shocking is that 

I have not cried so much when my last romantic relationship ended 

In fact I have not cried so much in my life 

This hit me real hard I guess 

But anyway I can now say I am much better than before 

I would start crying when I first open my eyes in the morning

I would start crying while driving 

I would start crying at any random time 

Why 

Because the guilt is so strong that it almost felt like it is going to eat you up 

I once read from a book that wrote self guilt is worse than a jail

It is not wrong at all

It does feel like a jail a prison a heavy burden on your shoulder 

The therapist once ask me, when do you want to let this burden off your shoulder 

The moment she finish this question I remember so clearly that I burst into tears 

Because I do not know when and I do not know how 

The guilt is following me anywhere I go everywhere I go 

It was a mistake that I made 

There are a lot of voice in this healing process 

Some say it's your mistake you must take this punishment 

Some say so what you did apologise 

Some say so what if you apologised would a murderer be forgiven if he apologise 

Some say it's okay let it go friends grow apart at some point

So yeah these are the voices that I have heard throughout the healing

Some are harsh so very harsh 

Some are very supporting

Regardless these are all voices from the outside 

But I know my inner voice is the most important voice I should be listening 

For the past few months I have been working on to listen to my inner voice 

For the past few months I have been trying to find out if it was really my mistake and if I should take this so called punishment 

For the past few months I have been trying different ways to make myself feel better at home 

For the past few months I have been asking myself if I deserve this silent treatment 

For the past few months I have been asking myself if not talking to each other IS OKAY 

For the past few months I have been trying to be okay 

I thought I have been okay or at least "recovered" 

Sometimes I feel like I have "recovered" from this 

But whenever I talked about or thought about it

It hurts so much, still 

It's almost a 10 years old friendship 

How could it be so fragile 

Will I ever find my answer? 

Maybe there is no answer 

Maybe one day I will forgive myself and be happy again 

Maybe there was no right or wrong just not right 

...

Friendship break up is a thing. 

In case you wonder what happened that I have to go through an at least 6 months long of silent treatment 

I deleted her in instagram 

And the reason was at one point of the time I felt like I am going to lose this friend and I felt like I have to prepare myself for that 

Hence that silly and impulsive action 

And this is the consequence 

Silent treatment 

Treating you as if you are invincible at home 

Yep. 

I am trying to be okay with this because people say it is okay 

 been staring into blank for an hour or so 

there are so many things i wanna share 

but i dont have words for any of those things 

记录心情情

 im back

续上一篇的故事。。。

可能你会觉得我很dramatic。

嗯。。。我不会否认的。我的确可以选择不哭，好好告诉她。但是我没有。

说不通的。

anyway lets fast forward 

zw吼了那一晚后，a对我们的态度就转变了，变得不理不睬，甚至有点不礼貌？

好，事情是这样的。。。

最后一晚在东京，我们各自走。那我就想啊，即使发生了一点摩擦，也没有必要搞得那么僵，而且zw那天吼的是我也不是他们应该没什么吧，再来最后一晚吃个晚餐也没什么吧。

那我就联络a啦。好，那我们就一起吃了个晚餐。

但是，因为分量很少，所以就想去吃其他的。那好啊。

我便提议了去附近的food street看看有什么吃。大家看起来也没反对。

但是呢，a开始带队走food street的反方向。那一开始我和zw也没说什么，就跟啊。

就跟着跟着开始有点不对劲，他们俩走的特别快，也不告诉我们要去哪里。

那我就追上去问a需不需要帮忙找location，她回答了，但是是头也不回的回答我，继续的大步走。

好，我也没说什么。我就让她去啊。

好，终于找到了。

a：啊他们没做我要吃的。走吧。

我和zw直接傻眼猫咪。但是我们也没说什么，很自然的就去看看附近有什么别的吃的。 

但是很可惜一直找不到。那他们就继续走啊走，我给的提议感觉也没听进去，大步大步的走感觉要撇掉我们似的。

好吧既然做的这样了，zw开始也不耐烦，就说我们自己去找吧。

我想了想，也好吧。我们继续跟下去只会被当傻子耍吧。 

anyway，当时在东京，我也没觉得什么。但是，回来以后，我再去process整件事情，我觉得好。。。。。。委屈。 。。我又自己哭了。

如果你不开心，你大可以大声说或小声说，没必要这样对我们吧？

你不是很大剌剌的吗？你不是说话很大声的吗？你不是很有主见的吗？做错了一件事至于这样对自己的朋友吗？

为什么会用这样的方法对我们呢？即便我们做错了也不至于被这样对待吗。。。更何况。。。我们在度蜜月。 

好，就这样。

如果有任何一个人读到这篇，不妨留言告诉我，我错了吗？

这个朋友ok吗？

。。。

有时候，她让我觉得有情绪病根本不适合和她做朋友。

有时候，她让我觉得有情绪病错了。 

嗯。我有轻微的。。。焦虑症。

听起来很像借口吧，我懂。

但是，只有真真体验过焦虑症的人才会明白焦虑症的。。。苦恼。

---------

我觉得这件事应该告一段落了

我也自我反省了很多。。。

我好像觉得我被耍了。。。

我好像觉得我不想脸贴冷屁股了。。。

我好像觉得我想好好先照顾自己了。。。

01012024

 happy new year 

year 2024 

on this first day of 2024 

i have completed 50 hours yoga training 

made some new friend 

learnt something new about yoga 

learnt something new about asanas 

so all is good 

yoga is an endless road 

anyway

there is a lump on my small thigh

i am very worry 

would it be something bad 

arh 

i think i need to see the doctor 

lets see 

lets hope it is not something bad 

anyway 

2023 

lost a friend 

acknowledge my feeling more 

went to japan 

visited melb twice 

went to melb by myself (sort of solo trip) 

...i will continue more maybe later 

now

2024 

what do i want:

to be more emotional stable (defo first priority) 

read more 

teach better in yoga 

open my heart 

get a better job 

focus on myself and my husband a little more 

...i will continue more maybe later 

hahaha