believe . 相信

i guess everything has come to an end 

well slowly 

decided to do this blog instead of writing on my diary today

anyway lets get back on the...story

in reality things has end 

though in the ugliest way and in the most un-peaceful way 

it was a choice 

it was her choice 

she decided to post things online on public instead of talking to us talking to me 

it was her choice 

she decided to tell us things in the most passive aggressive way 

it was her choice

she decided to tell us that she is not happy in the most unhelpful way to the situation in the most indirect way 

i dont blame anyone if i told them what she did to us even if it was my closest friend

because what she did was unbelievable 

she has always been perfect 

she has always been the most big hearted person 

she has always been the most easy person 

but if i am being honest 

it is sad to feel that the close friend doesnt quite buy what i said 

it does 

but i clearly know they may not wanna get into this messy situation 

but i dont know if that is the reason 

or maybe they just done believe what i said 

but does it really matter 

it does not really matter actually 

because this is my journey 

so i told the therapist that this journey is quite lonely at times 

for the reason being that they dont see what i see and they dont feel what i feel and they may not believe what i see or say 

(i did say she is trying to get all the attention she gets and play the victim in this incident)

the therapist agreed and she say healing is sometimes painful too 

i nodded quite vigorously 

the therapist also added that in any way we should believe in ourselves that this is our experience and what has happened did happen 

so yes believe 

i choose to believe myself my experience this time though it is so difficult 

but anyway 

i wanna thank those (less than one handful) of people who told me that nobody deserve such treatment like that i have received for the past few months 

i also wanna thank those who actually i feel they believe what i said at the first time where i dont have to keep explaining myself keep providing evidence for what i said 

on the other hand

i also wanna thank those who tell me apologizing means nothing when you have done something wrong 

i also wanna thank those who tell me apologizing does not mean forgiveness will be given 

thanks for telling me all these harsh truth but i dont work this way 

i wouldnt treat the ones i care in any way like what she did 

i believe there are many many many other way to resolve a conflict 

i believe there are many many many gentler way to resolve a miscommunication 

i believe there are many ways to work things out 

but that is what i believe 

not her 

...

so long my friend 

we shall not meet for a good while 

it has been too much to take in and process

and very painful too 

you may not feel the pain

but that is not important anymore

but i also do believe you are going through some painful thoughts that led you to react this way

i hope you find your way out some day 

...

love,

esther