me myself and i

have you ever hate yourself? i do. i always do. damn this sounds very pathetic isn't it? sometimes i hate myself for being like this, being so negative. being negative in so many aspects - life, friends, relationships and future. oh god i hate being negative but i can't really stop myself from being negative. 

let's talk about friends. a good friend's twenty-one birthday is coming and obviously it's going to be big (at least bigger than the birthdays she had twenty years ago lol). she's not just a good friend but a best friend, to me at least. what's bothering me? buying present. i am sort of comparing what she had bought for me in my twenty-one birthday. yes you might think i am so bitchy. yes i do feel that way too. i don't know why am i doing that, i don't know why is my mind doing that to me. i hate this. don't get me wrong i am not the 'kiam siap' person but i don't know why am i doing this stupid comparison. i just can't control myself. damn it. then i am thinking whether is it worth it to buy a more meaningful which is more pricey present for her. you might say meaningful does not have to be pricey yes i can't deny but what is on my mind is gonna be a little pricey but still affordable. 

i talked to another friend. somehow i tend to talk to this friend about all these weird thinkings i have. i hope she don't think i am weird or a bad friend lol. oh you see i am being negative again. 

ugh god please save me from this weird situation and stop me from thinking weird stuffs. i know the birthday girl treat me as a good friend and also a best friend too i am pretty sure she does and i know it in my heart but when anyone ask me about best friend i reluctantly will say yes she is my best friend coz i am afraid i am not her best friend but in fact i am. 

i don't think anyone will understand this post except me. 

bye