wash off the negatives for a bit

lets enjoy some photos 

to wash off the negatives in this blog 

i have had enough of negativities 

oh life oh life 

oh life oh life 

oh love oh love 

...

...

trying to convince myself that i am still young 

still young to fight to achieve what i want 

i 

can 

do 

it 

Friends.

Shall we talk about friends again? 

Seriously? 

I feel so childish, talking about this again and again. 

But I just can't brain...

Or I should say I am paranoid as ever 

I have been thinking recently if the friends I have now, those that I hang out with now and always... 

Do they really take me as their friend? 

Tell me if I am very negative or paranoid. 

Coz this is a serious question. 

Coz I treat all my friends with my heart. 

Like literally 用心对待 是真心对待

But I wonder if they are doing the same as me? 

I wonder. 

I wonder. 

I really really can't tell who treat me as a real friend or who is actually using me. 

I really can't. 

Should I build a wall between people and myself? 

To protect myself. 

Human beings are selfish after all. 

...

Just like them. 

Recent playlist

I always enjoy some good music when I am kinda down.

And I did found some good ones recently.

孙燕姿 - 跳舞的梵谷
So good. So so good. So addictive. Stephanie Sun's new song! Highly recommended. I can't tell this song belongs to which genre..prolly ballad? I don't know, I am no pro. But I really really this kind of music. Whenever I listen to this kind of music, there's a lot going on in my mind...which makes me feel very artsy lol.

那英 达布希勒图 - 那又怎样
Very good too. Just very nice.

方炯镔 - 最笨的人是我
Support Malaysian. I randomly clicked PLAY in youtube coz I haven't heard from this singer for quite some time and it turned out quite nice.

李圣杰 - 听你听我
Wahhh this one....Sam Lee. I am waiting for his next album. His voice is goooood.

谷微 - 安守本分
My current favourite Canto song yo.

I jam all these songs in the car everyday everyday, I think I am gonna puke one day lol.

Maybe not.

of choices

fml

why do we have to make choices 

why are there so many choices in life 

why why why 

choices in work 

choices in life 

choices in food

choices in friends 

choices in everything 

everything has a choice 

you can choose to be a good friend 

you can choose to be a dumb friend 

you can choose to be someone you like 

you can choose to be someone someone likes 

you can choose to be someone you hate 

you can choose to be someone someone hates 

...........

now i choose to feel like i have been used 

........

now i choose to feel like that and i hate it 

because i have chosen to believe that i have been used indeed 

........

tell you what 

i have had the same feeling and thought much earlier 

tell you what 

i told myself maybe not...

she wouldn't do that to me 

.....

ha fml

i am being used 

....

friends 

friends 

......

how can i remove rubbish friend from life 

how can i just have good friends good people in life 

how can i have someone who treats me equally how i treat them 

how can i be so naive to think that they will treat me equally good if i do so 

.......

fml fml fml

.......

some friends or i should say some people 

do not worth a tiny bit of my kindness 

....

ok ok 

maybe i should not think that way 

....

ok ok 

now i chose to be good 

so being kind is no wrong 

being kind is good 

it is better than being a bitch to people 

....

but do you know the feeling 

the feeling that you have been used 

the fact that you are just a fucking back up plan for them 

the fact that you are just a fucking spare tyre for them 

the fact that you are just a fucking toy for them 

the fact them you will you have and you will be there for them when they need you 

but never vice versa 

no no no 

dont even think about it 

.....

i think everyone should choose to protect yourself first 

....

this is a selfish world 

fucking selfish world 

choose wisely

....

anyway

tonight is supposed to be a good night

coz i found good music

so very good

so very very good

i have been thinking to open up a music blog

but its so hard

too much commitment

i dont think i can do it 

two weeks off from work

hola hola ole ole

i took two weeks off from work end of august

to go back homeeeeeeee

and koreaaaaa

everytime I go home I have different thoughts

this round home am feeling so much more than usual

more feeling as in more emotional and that leads to tears

i dont know why

maybe i feel that my parents are getting old

maybe i feel that my grandparents are old already and i should spend more time with them

maybe i feel that i should stay back to help out my parents to take care of my bro and sis

maybe i feel that i should stay back to accompany my sis more

maybe i feel that i should be there for my bro

maybe there are too many maybe

but family always comes first

always always

they are always gonna be there for you

when you are happy

when you are sad

---------------------

anyway

korea was good

that was my first trip with my sibs only

hopefully more to come in future

dad and mom was expecting us to just sleep in our room and not explore korea

especially my mom

oh wells typical asian parents

but we proved them wrong lol

but next round sibs trip

i hope i wish my bro could be more mature and...

not like 'lam beh beh'

but i have to say he cooperate with us, his sisters very well

so he deserve hug hug kiss kiss

...................

xx

adulthood

one of the thing we got to learn in adulthood is - to not care, to not care so much

un-be-lieve-able

yes

but that is legit

the more you care the more frustrated you get

but sometimes we (I) can't control my mind

it is different from overthink

it is not like overthinking

it is like you can't get yourself out of that problem

but that problem is not your own problem

get it?

it is complicated

it is complicated when it involves mind and...feelings

always

so what should we care?

ourselves.

yourself.

your closest family.

friends?

well....this is the tough part.

friends, good friends, close friends, buddy, soul mate, best friends

afterall they are friend

care for them too but there is a limit

there is a  limit

you have to set the limit

you have to actually practice to not go over the limit

but where is the limit

the limit is where you have done your part

that is the limit

as long you have done your part as a friend

they are friends afterall

they live their own life

they do not live for you

and neither you do

so do not go over the limit

do not overthink

what happens next, happens

...

I have done my part as a friend

what else can I do

nothing

and I am not going to do anything

because I cherish this friendship

I cherish your presence

I love you as a friend

I care for you as a friend

I do not want to ruin what we have now

...

so yes I am not going to cross the limit

...

welcome to adulthood

do not cross the limit

it is always easy to say than do

but I gotta try this time

xx

慢慢来

好今晚我们慢慢来慢慢聊慢慢想慢慢表达放慢一切

我必须慢下来好好思考

最近觉得我应该慢慢来很多事情慢慢来或许会比较好

对自己好一点点

学习慢慢来一点都不简单

我很矛盾 我想慢慢来慢慢的生活慢慢的享受我身边发生的一切一切，但是同时我不想慢慢来我觉得时间过得太快了我必须抓紧时间把握青春把想完成的事情都做到可是现在我还是觉得我还没完成一件值得令我骄傲的事

我一直觉得自己过了25岁就算老了所以很多很多事情我都想在25岁那年完成，最主要是我很想很想拥有一个卓越的事业一间小房子拥有一笔钱拥有很多包包（哈哈）

可是我现在已经24岁了 现在是七月 再过几个月2017年又快没了 我快要25岁了

我想完成的我想拥有的我都还没完成

那天跟一位朋友聊天我说我觉得我快老了 但是她很positive的告诉我她还不觉得自己老了 我当时还不以为然 依然觉得我快老了

但是有天我觉得我真的没有办法把一切一切完成 真的没有办法

既然暂时没有办法完成，不然我慢慢来

想了一下下 慢慢来 真的可以

我接下来的日子真的很多 我只要好好把每一天过得好好的 有一天我可能可以完成我想完成的 慢慢的一步步的完成

所以我决定慢慢来

生活上慢慢来 事业慢慢来 感情慢慢来


哦 我之前的室友今天在香港订婚了！好快好快。真心祝福她幸福快乐。

"I always say that everything has 3 sides; 

what he said;

what she said;

and what the truth says." 

well said.

thank you Ray.

let me be your jiemei too

so lilien came to Sydney for a conference and then she extended her trip for a day for us 

i guess hahaha 

i had the best weekend when she was here and kim was here as well 

best weekend so much laughter so much that you won't believe it 

the connection we had over the weekend 

it is real it feels real even when you can't see it 

it the connection between us 

i can feel that we had each other 

even when i dont really know lien 

yes i feel that i dont really know her well enough but pretty sure kim does 

the withdrawal when she went back home felt so empty 

but yes even thou we dont talk to each other everyday we dont meet everyday 

the connection is so real 

i feel like they love me and i love them so so much 

i just wanna spend all day long with them 

laugh over stupid little things 

share about oursleves 

that is what i am looking for in a friendship 

to be ourselves 

to love each other 

to feel the real connection between us even when you cant see it 

quick quick update

hi hi hi 

let's jot down a few things happened recently - 

emm maybe not - let's jot down what is going on in my brain recently. 

one of my friend got engaged recently!! yay. 

first ever friend that got proposed and of coz she said yes! 

...

she once told someone that we were not very good friend?

ok...i don't know what word she used exactly but put it this way - 

she mentioned to that friend that we were not very close coz something happened when we lived together back in uni days. 

ok...well...i must admit we were not the closest friend to each other;

but at least i always got her back;

i meant like i treat her as a friend that is for sure;

and most of all i did not not treat her as a friend;

we were not as close because i feel that we do not have much similar interest;

come on everyone is different and i respect them; 

but...ok...anyway i respect her opinion to that friend...;

but people started to ask me is she going to invite me to her wedding;

emmm...deep down in my heart of coz i hope she would;

we were once housemate, classmate and friend;

we lived together we share the same memories; 

if i am not invited to the wedding....

what can i say hahahahahaha

i meant...that is her wedding;

and she have to feel comfortable and happy on her wedding right...

i never thought of that question where if i am going to be invited or not until my friend brought it up lol

coz no matter how much shits happened between us how many misunderstandings happened last few years 

she is still my friend 

anyhow 

and she will always have a place in my heart 

xx

June

Hold on - I have got so much going on in my little brain 

Hold on 

Wait for me 

of family

I miss the blogger app so I can post stuffs from my phone and upload photos from my phone coz I am too lazy to transfer photos from camera/phone to laptop but anyway...

let's talk something about family. 

am 24 this year...well not too old but what I am trying to say is that as I grow older, I find that family is so so so precious, I can't love them enough. 

it's not like I I don't love them when I was younger but who hasn't been young who hasn't been a rebel in the younger days? rebellious af, always on the phone, always in the room, always isolate self to dad and mom, always asking for this and that etc...you know better than me. 

so I went home for a weekend, which is kinda crazy, which is also what some people say such a waste of time and blablabalbla. 

well, I did thought of going back for such a short period or not but I am back here in Sydney again, I did not regret a single bit. Home is definitely the best place to be.

the main reason to go home this time for only a weekend is to participate in a surprise mission for my mom, planned by my dad, for their 25th wedding anniversary. 

yes, my dad is a romantic man, and we only found out so recently lol. he spent so much time planning the venue, brain squeezing all possible ideas to surprise my mom his wife, brain squeezing who should he invite to participate the surprise and so on so on. 

so, after all the endless phone calls from my dad to me, he has decided to invite all my mom's family members that included my grandparents and my uncles and aunties and my cousins and also a table of 10 of close friends. 

long story short, surprise was a succeed. I can only say my mom is super innocent hahahahaha and she is so simple that she won't ask so much even there are so many hints popped out lol. 

I am so so so very happy that I went home for this. I get to see everyone, everyone I miss, people that I have not say hello for almost a year or more. I am so happy to see everyone in the room so very happy. I am so happy that everyone get to gather together and share some laugh, share love, share everything. I am also very happy that everyone worked so very hard to worked with my daddy to keep this little secret lol. 

I am so glad that my dad did this for my mom his wife. My dad is not only romantic, he is lovely, he share his love, he share his love not only to my mom and his children, but also the people around him, the friends around him. I am so glad that my dad planned this surprise. I guess what his main purpose for this surprise is to gather everyone together - gathering, that's what older people loves. Everyone gathers together, eat together, laugh together, share a talk, share a laugh and blow water here and there. 

Yes, I guess that is his very main intention too besides surprising his wife (or making fun on his wife lol). 

So - this trip home, my grandparents seem older than before, weaker than before of coz. Health has always been the issue for older people. My grandma is undergoing a surgery this May on her knee sigh. My grandpa talks lesser now, he just sit at a corner and look at us. I only wish they are healthy and able to enjoy their days. 

So - this trip home, my sister has grown up so much. She was my driver, a very very very rough driver over the weekend lol. She has grown up so much and I feel like she is somehow more mature than me lol. She has OCD. She is so grown up that we actually can talk hahahaha. To be honest, when we were both younger, we seldom talk, we don't share any thoughts. Now, we share our face products, we had girls talk, we had family talk and small little talks, I am so happy to see her grown up and able to take care of my mom and able to tolerate my dad lol.

So - this trip home, my brother is the rebellious one lol. Pity my mom and dad. Ok, so it's normal that a teen is rebellious, playing phone, playing games, talking on the phone, always chatting on the phone and don't talk. My brother is not that rebellious actually but I hope he can spend more time with my mom and dad when he is back from hostel. Oh wells he will learn, just like my sis and me...let's hope for the best. 

So - this trip home, my parents are still as funny as before. Thank god my mom is able to get more sleep now, she used to wake up at 5/530am to prepare breakfast and lunch and sometimes dinner for us when we were in secondary school. Yes, so thank god, she can enjoy her breakfast with dad every morning, watch tv after work, read some book at night ( I assume la coz I saw a stack of book beside her bed), listen to her fav songs and share a lot aunties talk with the aunties friends. My mom is letting go the busy busy life and learning to slow down her life. On the other hand, my dad is somehow still the same, as stubborn as ever, as tension as ever...I hope he learn to slow down his life as well too. I guess that day will only come when my sister and brother and i can fully fully support ourselves. Yes that day. 

Such a bloody long post - don't bother to read every word lol. It's just for myself. 

Love is so important within a family. 

an-zac II

just to note down where we dropped by in each town - 

waitomo - glowworm cave, marokopa fall 

lake taupo - taupo bungy, skydive, huka falls skydive, helicopter ride

rotorua - luge ride, sky swing, whakarewarewa living maori villlage, white water rafting 

tauranga - mount maunganui 

coromandel beach - cathedral cove (a beautiful spot we missed! coz we were running late/the road to the cathedral cove is not even joking soooooooooo crooooked so deeeeeep inside) 

auckland - milse dessert lol 

an-zac (nz) trip

NZ trip was pretty damn intense.

we only went to north island - so much like aussie at the stage that I don't even feel like I was in NZ.

hence next stop - south island where all the breathtaking sceneries are.

so - we did quite a number of intense and craycray activities.

bungy jump of course, skydive, white water rafting, jet ski, helicopter ride, luge and sky swing.

should have done zorb too but mehh...everyone was that keen to.

we did bungy jump at lake taupo - 47 metres high and you can only trust the rope.

the bungy jump we did definitely not the highest one in nz - it's a baby bungy jump.

the highest bungy jump is located at north island - 134 metres lol. that is like 3 times higher than what i did. shall i.....? maybe.

skydive was pretty good too - lake taupo was beautiful.

i just love the blue sky  blue lake white clouds and green land just perrrrrrrfect.

the activity that we all like the most - bungy jump!

the moment you stand at the edge of the platform - don't think any further, trust the rope and just do it!

now thinking back the bungy jump was kinda crazy lol - imagine, nothing to hold in the air but only yourself!

i would really recommend to do this when you are still young - preferably before 30?

so if i really wanna do the highest bungy i gotta do it before 30! before i get old and scary cat.

....

i then found out that by travelling you get to know yourself more

i found that i could do so much crazy shit lol

i thought i would stuck at the edge of the platform of bungy jump but i did not

i thought i would not like skydive but i think it was really fun

i found that i can be quite adventurous

i can do quite a lot

now i hope i am more adventurous

now i hope i can do more crazy stuffs when i am still young

now i hope i can do more memorable stuffs when i still can

...

if not now, when?

...

my skydiver master said 'but you know, life is too short to worry about those what you can and cannot eat'

we were talking about food in the air lol

coz i told him i don't really like to eat sashimi...

coz i studied food

...
the end

not actually

let the adventure starts!

...

and also thanks to my mates in the trip -

kim, ern and zhuwei!

so glad that i managed to do all these crazy stuff with the one i love.

hello feb hello adelaide

hello feb

went back to adelaide earlier this month - 9th - 12th feb

to catch up with friends was the main purpose and also zhuwei's brother was here so yeah

cheap tickets so why not

the last time i step on adelaide's ground was 2 years ago during my convocation may 2015

i have always misses adelaide so much when im in sydney

i miss the weather i miss the dessert place i miss village i miss the people in adelaide

so before i go back to adelaide i was quite excited

its like taking a trip down memory lane 

i was so excited to feel the love i had with adelaide again

so i was back and also met up with some close friends

and of course we had a small gathering for the food technologist coursemates and we even visited our lecturer in tafe but only managed to met one of them

its good to see everyone and in fact everyone is doing quite damn well

most of us are already working

working in f&b working in a food company working as a lecturer

however the excitement wasn't that great

its more like relieve? i dont know, its not the excitement i thought i would have

anyway its good to see everyone especially two of my other village housemates

it took me a while to talk to one of them as we have not been talking for a damn while

i always have this problem lol such a bitch

but it feels really good that four of us kinda reunite

how i wish we had more time together just the four of us and plus one illegal housemate lol

and this trip back i found that we are all in a separate pathway

and most of them are going back home for good how sad is that

we have come so far together trying to get a job in aussie trying to get PR in aussie trying to stay back but now we are all in separate pathway

like a friend said everyone is painting their own life

its kinda sad to see everyone on different pathway

but in the same time im happy for them too

cant wait to see them again

perhaps the next meet up we would have our own small family lolol

adelaide hasn't change much to be honest

its still the same quiet peaceful small town

adelaide...you will be miss dearly always

Life

I am a bit confused(again). 

Ugh fml. 

Every morning I drag my tired body asleep mind to work, that's not what I want. 

I want to wake up to work happily and excited every morning! 

I tried to convince myself at least I have a job now and also go for it! 

But nope, nope, it is not working. 

I am so sleepy everyday, every morning, ever first few hours at work. 

I don't feel the excitement at work which sucks! 

Compared to the previous job I always wake up excited and I always have plan a flowchart for myself before I reach work but nope, not today ughh. 

I am wondering...

Is it because I don't really like my current job? 

Is it because I am lazy already? 

Is it because I wanna do something else? 

Is it because...etc. 

I have the urge that tell me to do something else! To do something I like! To do something that I will wake up to every morning! 

But things are not easy.

It is not even close to easy when I am in a foreign country, when I am only a temporary resident...too much restrictions, too many. 

But ok...let's try to be positive anyways. 

I will do whatever that is in my hand for now and I will move on again once I really settle down. 

Or maybe I should JUST DO IT and FIGHT FOR IT? 

9 days road trip before 2016 ends

Not to forget -

I just got home from my 9 days road trip from Sydney to Melbourne. 

With Yuegin, Ern and Zhuwei. 

Places we dropped by - 

Hyams Beach 

Bateman's Bay

Eden

Apollo Bay 

Great Ocean Road
Ballarat 

Grampians National Park 

Melbourne City 

I am just a follower in the trip lol I am boss mah.

Twenty-Seventeen

Alright let's list out things I want to achieve this year - 

1. Get a job. Get a dream job. Get someone to sponsor me if possible!! Get a job that I don't feel like I am actually working everyday. Get a job I love to wake up every morning. 

2. Be happy. Be positive. Smile more. Be positive!! 

3. Work things out with zhuwei. It's not going to be easy but let's hope that we will work things out together and be happy together! 

4. Work life balance. Healthy lifestyle. Healthy eating. Gonna make zhuwei lose some weight this year wish me luck guys. 

5. Save more $$! I am going to spend so much for the next few months - Adelaide trip and NZ trip woohoo. So happy but money flowing out so happily too lol. Save more money to buy some good stuff or treat my family some good food/short vacation when I am back home! Yep yep yep. 

6. Meet new people. Let's really hope I get this done this year coz I am so lazy to meet new people.

7. Open minded - accept things with open hand and open heart. 

8. Accept all challenges that are coming up! Nail them! 

9. Hopefully zhuwei and I get our PR this year......tough one.

10. Make a trip home. 

Cheers. 

Quick run 2016

Hello 2017!!

& goodbye 2016 for good. 

I have been trying (quite hard)) to think back what had happened throughout the year in twenty-sixteen. 

I know it wasn't easy at all in terms of work, life, friends and family. 

Working life aka adult life - it's not that fun lah.

but I will not say it is not fun lol. It's just that I have so much to learn...? 

Ugh I don't know. I miss uni days haha coz all I need to do is just study and have fun. 

Ughh but again, I have fun too in working life. Had fun meeting new people, had fun working with different people, had fun learning new things everyday, had fun dealing with shits and etc. 

It's very...ermm...occupied. But again, work life balance is important too and I kinda struggle a bit. I tend to bring home my stress at work. Ok, so this is my resolution for this year - do not bring back home work stress, yep, yep, yep! 

Life - I moved into a new small house with zhuwei and siew ern. 

so yes, I am living with my boyf. I always wanted to only live with him once we ROM/married but haha things changed lah. I mean like...think for my parents/his parents, I don't think they would be super happy OR 100% agree to let us stay together before marriage coz they conservative coz they old-school ma, I am conservative too lah but I mean like...it's ok? Living together comes with good and bad - and for now, I would say so far so good, getting used to it. Of coz we fight, of coz we argue, but we are alright lol. I come to think - what if we are not living together...how will things be? We are living together, we are closer than ever, we are getting used to waking up beside each other...is there still love or we are just used to it? hmm lol think too much? But I am glad that we are good now and I hope we will work things out this year with more lvoe and lesser argument and yelling! With the boyf at home, of coz I will spend most of the time with him and somehow neglected my housemate and of coz like that my housemate sometimes no happy but ok la we work it out and I also try to remind myself don't somehow neglect her but somehow shits still happen la sometimes but zhuwei also quite smart one, to avoid all arguments/bitch faces at home I know he tried to fulfill everyone at home lol sounds wrong but yeh I can see that he put a lot effort to maintain the harmony at home. so yeh..woohoo. 

Friends - people comes and goes. 

Those whom we lost contact what can I do? I can't do much. 

But glad that those who stayed along the way  and they are the precious ones. 

But I am hoping to meet more new people in 2017! 

Also - I see my friends struggling to find a job - tomorrow will always be a better day and do not give up ok. 

Oh - and also I have to admit that I was quite bad in replying messages at one  period due to the pressure I got from work. I apologize. Sincerely apologize. 

Family - I only see them once a year goddamnit. 

My sister is so into the pageant stuffs and my parents are old-school and I am trying to not be old-school and accept the fact that she likes it and it is not harmful lol and at the same time trying to calm my parents down and also telling htem it is okay to let her try and don't be annoyed lol. It's tough guys. In the same time I have to manage myself, my parents and my sister...kaiwanxiao. I try not to care so much but I can't lah, my family wor. Every shit also need to get involve a bit coz I am already so far if I don't get involve I will feel left out lol. So yeah, it is what it is. Everyone has their own interest we can't stop them from liking what they like it's impossible. Respect is what we should do. Sometimes I feel sorry for my sis coz she will be the 'eldest' at home when I am not and automatically the eldest tend to get the blame first on everything well asian family mah. So yeah...I am glad that I talk more to my sister now  and vise versa compared to few years back where we seem like we hate each other lol or at least I always felt like she hates me haha. (Hello sister ily if you ever read this). I hope she is happy. I hope she is doing fine in life, in studies, in relationship and at home. I hope that our bond gets stronger in the future - I hope everyone of us at home will stay as close as now and forever. 

My brother is still alright i guess - he is stying in hostel starting from last year. So I really didn't talk much to him. I hope he is alright. I know he is tall now and I hope he grows taller coz I think he hits his puberty too damn early lol! I hope he grow up as a gentleman. Yep..I sound like an old aunty fml. 

My daddy my mummy - I only hope that they are happy everyday and healthy forever and my dad please don't forget about me coz he always say that he is inherited with the Alzheimer disease genes coz my grandma had it when she was really young!! god bless my dad please.

Quick run throughout the year 2016.

Thank you to everyone who has been my side all year round. Thank you to myself for staying strong lol. 

xx