再续上一篇
我觉得真的应该告一段落了
这一次我觉得这是我的极限了
我一向以来我经常都会把朋友看的（很）重
甚至把朋友排在zw的前面
上一篇应该有看到吧
即使a对我多没礼貌把我的尊严往地上踩，我还是很坚持把我要和大家一起吃晚餐的‘任务’完成
即便委屈了zw我还是坚持 我还是低声下气把所有的不开心都吞进肚子里（真佩服我自己）
只是那一次真的有点过分 我也必须考量到zw的感受 他没有必要跟我一起贴冷屁股
我的思绪还是有点乱但是this has to come to an end
好好给自己一个交代
回到悉尼后，其实我还是有尝试跟a沟通
对我还没死心 我还是一心想要修补 虽然我不知道我要修补什么因为我们没有错
so 某个星期一我想皆有我们得到PR的消息跟a分享
很奇怪的事她说她知道了
我问她你怎么知道
她说她看得出来 （我心想你哪来的superpower）
一脸面无表情的说 i mean 我是很想很想跟她分享这份喜悦虽然时间不怎么对 但是没有预期的happiness
嗯哈哈 不重要 真的 我也没有期望她会怎么样
anyway 过了那么久她在家也不主动跟我们说话 zw跟她说话她也不开嘴巴 只是点头摇头
嗯 我也不懂她干嘛这样 我也没有很想知道就觉得好奇怪 its out of my control
其实现在我在家我好紧张我好不自在 有她在我都不自在有种莫名的压力莫名的不舒服
我一直在trying to overcome this fear
前几天我先回到家我知道她在家 我的手尽然开始抖omg 我真的很不喜欢这样的自己
but i have to overcome i know but how
可能我需要时间 可能我需要原谅她？
不至于。。。我只是不想跟她有任何的来往不想跟她说话不想看到她
但是只要看到她或知道她在家我就觉得很不自在然后我会勉强自己去跟她说话似乎要去讨好她
真的是阿弥陀佛我到底在干嘛 每次我这样做过后我都觉得很恶 每次我这样做过后我都没有开心
但是我不知道为什么我还是一而再再而三的想要去讨好她
trust me i wanna get out of this more than anyone else
i wanna get out of this feeling i wanna get out of this spiralling down emotions i wanna get out of this situation i wanna get out
but i know its going to take time and effort and courage and determination
its gonna be hard but i need to keep trying
i told zw i am not ready to lose this friend
but the question is has she ever ever treat me as a friend
and i guess we will never be ready to lose anything it just comes
so yeah i am going to try and keep trying
i have thinking a lot and i am also trying to read up some books
mainly to figure out if i was overreacting or she is just being rude to me that i do not deserve at all
maybe both
but hey people always say put yourself first
and thats what i have to learn
to put myself first
i mean i was feeling pretty shit for what she has done to us in tokyo
no normal human being will do that to friends
what the fuck seriously zero respect zero consideration plain rude
i bet n could feel it but he has not voice
yes you can see i am still sitirring myself in that night
my goodness i need to get out of it
at some point this week when i started to practice meditation
i felt pretty good i felt that we did nothing wrong and we (i) do not deserve such shit attitude
i doubt i would do something like this to friends at last not during holiday uhh
ok so whatever she wanna do is out of my control whatever has happened happened
i need to move on
i have to move on
i can do more good shit
i deserve better people and treatment
i deserve good stuffs
yes i do
its really time to put myself first
prioritise what i feel and ackoowledge what i feel
i was actually angry in tokyo but i didnt let it out
i was feeling sad that she treated me that way but i didnt let it out too
i was feeling confuse for what she has done but i didnt let it out too
i was feeling sorry for zw for that he had to go thru this shit with me but i didnt let it out too
i never tell her how upset i was
...and i will never let her know
because she will find any way and everywhere to point the fault to me
even though she sounds like she was just trying to understand
i was reading some post online
it was saying that if i wanna get out of something i have to forgive
but do i have to forgive her i mean does forgive or not comes into the picture at all
i wonder
if it does i think i have not forgive her?
but i am not angry or whatsoever
i am just frustrated that this has happened
but what can i do
...let go
my brain is telling me that
yes let go
so my mantra for the next 6 days is to let go
i shall keep myself check for the next few days
yes i guess i am bringing back the raw-est blogging purpose
peace out
much love
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