of directions

Hello blog

I miss blogging actually 

I miss writing down my thoughts and read them again after a while 

I miss reading myself and see how much I grow throughout the days 

I miss...having time 

Let's do something about direction on this post 

I have spent most of my time in Australia for the past three years...four years maybe

Anyway...

So yes I came to Aussie with three course mates in Adelaide for 2 years 

Then I came to Sydney after I graduated for job opportunities and also for my boyfriend 

I don't know where the courage of moving here came to me 

But glad that I am not alone here all the time 

I have got my boyfriend, Ern, Angela and Kim 

Yeap not many of them but more than enough to have them when I needed someone to talk 

Of coz I have got friends to talk to overseas back in Malaysia 

So glad that we are still in touch even though we are far apart 

Ok...directions...

So many of us - many of us meaning the friends/course mates I have met in Aussie 

Many of us now are deciding to go back to our homeland our tanah air or to stay back here is Aussie 

A few of them have to leave the country after we graduated mainly due to visa restrictions which sucks so much 

Other than that - some of us stayed back for work experience/study and also a mindset like 

"oh can stay back ah then stay back la earn AUD maahhh.."

Here is where we are all in different directions 

Most of us started off having lectures under the same roof in the same roof sharing the same boring classes feeling sleepy together in class having exams together doing assignments together staying up late for assignments and then graduated together 

We were in the same directions 

Now - we are in different directions 

We have our own dream to catch we have our own to-do-list we wanna do different things 

We are in different directions 

This is sad 

But this is life 

We will never be bound together forever and ever 

Physically no but mentally yes I hope 

Some of us did stay in touch and we are still close even when we are in different direction 

But some of us don't which is really sad 

Directions lead to separation 

But what can I do 

I have got my own direction 

I can only show them this is my way 

But I can't tell them to come along with me 

We are all different 

We are 

Now we are again facing the same thing again to decide to stay or leave 

There could be so many reasons to stay back same goes to returning back to homeland 

So many personal reasons

It could be family it could be partner it could be living style it could be...so many more 

We can't control anyone we can't control anyone of us 

We can only hope for the best for each other 

At least that is what I am trying to do now 

Despite how much I want some of them to stay back at least I don't feel 'alone' 

I am not alone in fact but just saying lol 

...

Directions...you are so cruel you are so real 

So real that I learnt so much 

Learnt so much about people about feelings about strength about weakness 

I don't like you, direction

but I thank you. 

Hey December

Can't believe I did it again 

I am always not calm enough 

I hate that 

But I love sharing good things to people around me 

But I have to learn to stay calm 

Before sharing things and share the love 

Lol 

I never learn hey...

Oh well 

I will share again in here once everything is confirm 

You won't believe what happened;but you have to

You won't believe what just happened on me 

I can't believe what just happened on me 

I am harmless 

But I was meant to be sacrifice this time 

It hurts 

It is not sad that I felt 

I felt more towards disappointed 

Disappointed on the management 

Disappointed on the people I trusted

Disappointed on the people that I thought they have got my back

Disappointed that actually nobody can help me 

Disappointed that nobody can answer my questions 

So - what I am trying is 

*deeeeeep breathe* 

I got replaced at work 

Not replaced officially yet 

But somehow it is quite obvious that I have got replaced 

Yes 

I worked so hard 

So what 

I worked so many overtime 

I worked with my whole heart 

I gave them whatever I have with me 

I worked with kindness 

and unfortunately this is what I got 

I got replaced in a day 

Out of the blue 

People asked me what happened 

I found out the same time they found out 

What do you expect me to know 

I am trying to take it easy 

The fact that the management is actually getting someone new to replace me 

Without letting me know before head 

And have not have the intention to officially kick me out from the position 

And the new me just sat on chair using my desk using my desktop using my notebook 

And looking all innocent

Which is unfair 

You might ask me how is it unfair 

With my visa ending so very soon it is not easy to get a new job 

I do not want to just quit this job now just because I hate the management I hate the boss 

I do not think this is rational 

I need to sustain a life 

I need to pay rents 

I need to pay insurance 

Anyway I still cannot believe this is happening on me 

I could say I am so harmless to the big people above me 

Anyway what has happened has happened 

Nothing is going to change anything 

Nobody is going to able to help me 

I have myself 

I have myself 

I need to put myself back together 

And move on 

Life goes on 

Anyway anyway

I have gained something 

I have gained experience 

And experience is going to be with me wherever I am 

Experience will be the most precious something for me to take away 

I have gained a lesson 

I have learnt to not trust everyone fully 

I have learnt to keep things by myself still learning actually

I have learnt to not show that I am annoyed on my face still learning actually 

I have learnt that human beings are ugly af 

I have learnt that hard work may not pay off 

... 

Yes 

Nobody is irreplaceable at work 

Not only at work 

... 

I still can't believe what just happened on me 

I do not have so much time to not believe it 

I have only so little time to accept the fact 

and move on 

...

my fellow friends, I am fine 

I shall be fine 

I am not weak 

I believe I can do it 

I have to do it 

...

I can't believe this just happened on me

But I am gonna be fine 

update here and there

Below give you an idea of today's society -
        

One morning, I was on a bus on the way to work - the bus was quite packed and there were people standing. When the bus stopped at one of the stop, people get down one by one but one of the lady did not manage to get down, guess she was standing quite behind of the bus and some people blocked her way out - hence, the bus started to move again.

She kinda raised her voice to tell the driver to stop the bus - 'hey driver! hey driver!' 

Nobody gives a shit to help her to stop the driver.

Anyway, the driver stopped at the next stop and she got down on the next stop.

This is the society - today. I was one of them. 

Next - 

The stupidest mistake I made this year - rejecting a job offer early this year.

If I have had accepted that job, I am probably applying for AU PR right now, right this moment. 

But nope, I rejected. I thought I made the right decision. 

I kinda regret now - 

I am not sure if I am happy now. 

I am going through so much this year...I feel like it at least. 

I am going through so much...it's not even funny. 

I was thinking - if I am not here in Sydney, I am back in MY, what will I be doing? How am I gonna be? I am gonna be as the same as today? 

So many questions and what ifs going on my mind. So many. 

So many uncertainties. So many so many. 

........... ............ ............. ............. .............. ............. .............. ..............

Long time no see

hello hello. 

it has beeeeeeen a long while since I update something here. 

it's has been a while really. 

so occupied each day, everyday. 

so occupied with work work work work. 

sometimes I think - if this is the real kind of life? is this gonna last for the next 30 years in order to survive?!

ughhh. yes, I do think about it but at the end, I will end up doing the same routine everyday - 

which is wake up, breakfast, work, sometimes lunch sometimes no lunch, back home, dinner and sleep and repeat. 

finally feeling the real shit in the world - to earn money and to survive. 

constantly fighting mentally to earn more money or to live a bloody life. 

what's an ideal life actually...?

let me think...

my ideal life would be being happy? but how happy is happy? how can I define happy? how do you define happy? 

I'd thought of taking a break from work, just a short break, doing nothing but wandering around and listen to songs I like, searching for more songs I like and eating food I like, and maybe some baking/cooking, getting my hair done, getting my nails done and of coz shopping. 

all these break - required money. 

so how can I take a break if I don't have enough to spare for all those break I mentioned lol. 

everything has a value to pay. 

you can't buy happiness but perhaps a little money could bring you happiness. 

am I money minded? 

am I too worry? 

am I going crazy? 

work has been super stressed - it is not even funny. 

my body is trying to cop but it is definitely struggling. 

I need to take up meditation or I should learn to not think anything related to work after work and also forget about all the shits I faced at work. 

I really need to pick up that 'skill' ASAP. 

coz the stress is kinda killing me inside out. 

I don't wanna go home angrily or sadly and black faced ZW and Ern. 

that's immoral. 

I don't wanna bring back all the negative energy home. 

I don't wanna bring all the shits to my bed. 

I want a good sleep and not dreaming about work omg. 

working is just unbelievable. 

so much skill I have to pick up man - 

first skill to learn - protect yourself, cover yourself first no matter what. 

second - same as the above. 

third - same as the above. 

yes, cover yourself first. 

selfish? 

yes it is. it definitely yes. 

if you don't cover yourself, you will not be able to survive in the society. 

how sad is it...

but this is how the world rolls.

anyway, I've got quite many people asking me what the hell am I doing now. 

I thought of nobody or not many people reads my blog but whatever am gonna jot down for myself too. 

so I am an assistant manager - to be precise - 

I am Assistant Analytical Service Manager (ASM). 

so what is ASM? what it does? what is the job scope? 

so, as an ASM in the lab, I work between clients and lab. 

in this lab I work with now - they test soil, water, air and building materials. 

it's an enviromental testing lab. 

so, my main job is to make sure the lab has a worklist everyday so they don't miss any test. 

if they don't miss any test, we will have happy client. 

and happy client is happy me, happy manager and happy bosses.

but good things never come so easily. 

everyday is a war for me. 

battling between clients, lab and head sections. 

woohoo everyday blood flow so fast. 

blood flow even faster and body feeling even hotter when the office turn on the bloody heater all freaking day loooooong. 

anyway, it sounds like this role is damn easy right?

let me tell you - how about nooooo?

it's stressful. 

coz everyday I will be pull to so many different directions. 

it's not like we have only 1 client everyday...

we have so many of them and we only have two of us (my manager and me). 

one thing I have to mention anyhow is that - 

my manager is really good lah. 

she is patient. 

she is caring. 

but she is a perfectionist. 

so that puts me in a even more stressful situation. 

she asks me questions everyday as if I am having an oral test and IQ test lol. 

I always panic. yes. 

I get panic very bloody easily. 

anyway...she is good. 

she taught me a lot. 

bare in mind - I am not a fast learner. 

so yes to teach me something - repeating is unavoidable lol. 

anyway -I can't do poker face la. 

if I am not happy, I am not happy. 

my face will not poker to be I am happy. 

so I sometimes no poker face my manager I feel damn bad but I can't control - YET. 

so yeah - this is another skill to pick up at work - Poker Face. 

Remember - this is super important. 

alrighty....

that's all for now I guess. 

I am sleepy. 

thank God Monday is going to be gone sooon. 

Monday is so blue. 

Silent Treatment

"what you wanna eat for dinner?" 

"do you wanna eat anything I can buy" 

"why are you not talking to me?" 

"did I do anything wrong? tell me" 

"are you okay?" 

... 

this is silent treatment. 

wtf june

ok June - 

Wait, what?!??!!???!!??!?!?!??!?!?! 

ok, chillax a bit. 

Time fucking flies. 

Let's do some bits and pieces update. 

I just cooked myself a bowl of ginger egg soup noodle coz it is raining and cold so I decided to keep myself warmer. 

ZW's parents are here for 2 weeks - for holiday and also for his GRADUATION woooohoooo lol. 

Went out dinner with them at ZW's fav(?) restaurant - turkish meal. 

Dinner was good - weather was bad - heavy rain. 

Let's talk a out work a little shall we? 

Yes we shall. 

Work is - good. 

I think it is good - I am learning a lot, my manger teach me a lot. 

But - I think I am not doing very well, yet. 

I know I will improve - I just need some time. 

Soooo - I am really really bad with small little details and my manager is the god of details. 

Yep, so I really need to work on my eye to work on detaaaaaaaaails. 

And I really need to work on handling pressure. 

I always get panic attack inside me - which is really bad when I do not have as much on my plate compared to my manager yet she is handling all her details shit so well. 

That is pressure. 

I am not sure if I will be able to work better under pressure or not - coz some people work better under pressure. 

Hmm I am neutral? 

I am just a careless person. Ugh, which sucks. 

okok I gotta chill the heck out and just focus in the future. 

I also realize that I am such a lazy bum to explain stuffs - 

if someone think it's not right then alright, I will just let it be and I will just follow whatever you say. 

That means I am a follower? I guess. 

I am such a lazy bum when it comes to explaining seriously...

I think explaining stuff can be tiring...

So yeap...if it's not a big fat deal then just let it be. 

blablabla. 

It's still raining. 

I feel like going out - 

Should iiiiiiiii? 

Hello, May

It's my month - MAY! Woohoo. 

The last update was...about a month ago. 

Quite occupied for the past few weeks! 

Really really occupied with work work work and getting more sleep and meeting up the same faces every week and try to get more rest lol. 

Real occupied, busy, tired but feeling damn awesome indeed. 

The adrenaline rush in my body from the moment I open my eyes till I finish work and got on the bus - awesome relieve. 

That's a realllll loooooooong relieve - PHEWWWWW and the moment my shoulder is relax. 

The feeling is too damn good. 

I have been as spongee as I can - to absorb as much info that I am showered on. 

So much info indeed - 

I am working in a whole new field - no more food related - for about a month. 

Hence, I am trying to be as flexible as I can, be as spongee as I can to give my best to the new working place. 

It's really tough at the beginning but I am starting to get used to it...

But still - soooooooo much more to learn. 

It's like the first year of learning add maths. 

I know nothing from the start and getting to know more and more and learn new things everyday. 

I really enjoy working with professionals. 

I see how little I know. I see how little I learn in uni. I see how much I can learn from people. I see how much I can learn around me. 

That feeling of learning new stuff everyday is - beyond good.

However, I am not sure how long I can stay at where I am now. 

Yet, I am giving my best. I am doing my best. I am giving my best on everything I do. 

But...I am lacking of smile at times. 

Guess that's another thing I need to learn - smile and fake a smile lol. 

Let's hope good things are gonna happen by end of this month! 

Note : what you studied, doesn't mean you have to stick to it forever. 

Peaceeee outtt.

5 years love

It's our fifth year together. 

How does it feel like? 

I am not sure actually. 

One friend of mine asked me - 

Do you feel like you are in love again every morning you wake up? 

LOL. 

That friend is too damn artsy. 

I don't know if I have that feeling, 

that fall in love all over again feeling. 

I tend to wish him good morning and good night everyday. 

Well, I try to and I think that's a good habit.  

At least there is something we both do to each other everyday. 

That is something I wait for everyday - a greeting. 

I sometimes remind him - he thinks greeting is not important I guess. 

I can't blame him - we are totally different. 

But I'd tell him that I hope he can wish me everyday - and I get it everyday...he'd missed out at times. 

Sometimes I will forget too - he will ask me why didn't I say morning to him. 

I don't morning him if I am pissed off. Girls. 

Zhuwei and I are totally different. 

I would say I am someone who is more systematic and tidy and emotional - compare to him. 

He is just another boy who doesn't really care all the small little things in life. 

I only came to realize that we are totally different. 

Our thinking is different. Our way of doing things is different. 

Sounds bad, right? 

Not that bad, actually. 

At least, we are holding hand to do things differently and think differently. 

It's not easy to be together...but we want to be together - that counts big time. 

If there is a will, there is a way. lol. 

It gets harder when we spend more time together. 

But that really doesn't matter. 

We sort things out. 

We shall be good. 

We shall be good for each other and better in the future, hopefully. 

Directions & Decisions

It's my decision to go this direction. 

It's her decision to go that direction. 

It's his decision to go that direction. 

It's not my decision to decide for her. 

It's not my decision to decide for him. 

It's not a straight road. 

It's a road with many many more roads that branched out. 

It leads to apart. 

It leads to meeting up...

one fine day, we will all meet again. 

mother love

Being mother - is not an easy job. 

I believe non of the mothers out there like to see that her children is not doing well. 

As long, the children get to filled up the tummy, has a shelter and happy - 

they are happy. 

They always want us to have the best - 

as long we are happy and healthy. 

The things(shits) mothers have to go through, 

I only realize and deeply feel it when I am grown up. 

The patience to teach us to be a good, to be well-mannered, to be kind hearted, to be honest, to be happy, to have a big heart, to let go some things, to hold on some thing, to be determine, to be hardworking, to be smart, to be able to deal with different people...

so so so much more. 

Mother is just incredible. 

I hope it's not too late to realize how incredible my mother is. 

She is just beyond great. 

Note to job seeker?

*it's allllll my own opinions* 

To all job seekers. 

I know job hunting is not easy. 

I know job hunting is not easy at all. 

It is torturing in fact. Mentally torturing. 

For the past few months....12 months(?), every morning the first thing I do after I open my eyes - 

I reach out my mobile and refresh my email inbox to follow up all the jobs that I applied. 

Everyday, never fails, except for weekends of coz. 

But everyday, I check my inbox. 

Everyday I wait for phone calls from any possible successful application. 

When my phone rings, so nervous and say hello. 

The first few times I always screw up the phone calls but later on I get used to it and it went well. 

Practice makes perfect. 

Job hunting can drive people nuts! 

I don't know anything about back home coz I started my career in OZ. 

Maybe the job hunt back home would be slightly easier coz you get connections easier. 

I started from zero, I don't know how I did it but I just did it. 

I am not well knowns of coz...still a peanut but at least I have got a few connections. 

It's not easy. It takes time. It takes so much time. 

And most importantly, be strong mentally and be determine. 

Do not lost hope. 

It's not easy, I know. 

But do not lost hope. 

Opportunities are out there. 

You will get it eventually. 

Yes, believe me.  

So, to all my job seekers friend - 

Please do not lost hope. 

Please do not stop sending out your resume lol. 

I swear, I give out my resume like leave-lets. 

If you tell me you sent out like maybe 10 applications and no reply...

10 applications means nothing, really. 

I am not being harsh but from my own experience - 

I think I sent out 100 since last year. 

So, 10 is really nothing. 

One of the manager that spoke to me earlier, he told me he sent out 100-200 applications back then when he just graduate. 

So - 10??!! 

You just have to very determine and keep telling yourself not to give up. 

But, if you get reply after 10 applications, you are just damn lucky or you have really good qualifications la ok. 

But seriously, do not lost hope friends. 

Be positive. 

Find someone to talk. 

As a fresh grad, I have nothing to negotiate with people with experience. 

Seriously nothing to nego - so what if I am a bachelor degree student? everyone is. so what I finished my studies in a university? so, nothing lol.

So, I just keep applying and hoping someone will get back to me and any job that is within my acceptable scope, I will just do it. 

I just have to start from somewhere. 

I am not the lucky one, I would say. 

It took me quite some time to build up my small little circle of connections and it took some time to get spotted by people. 

So yeah. 

Please do not lost hope friends. 

I believe opportunities are out there. 

Every opportunity is your chance to get and secure that damn job. 

I don't know where I will be in the future but I hope I will be good and proud of myself. 

I don't know where I will be too but I am just gonna give my best for now. 

And yes, I kinda secured a job and I was lucky someone saw me lol *WIDE SMILE* like finally okayyyyy. 

Let's wait till my probation ends... 

I will feel secure then! 

DO NOT LOST HOPE. 

BELIEVE YOURSELF. 

WE CAN DO IT. 

We are still young, we have so much opportunities - 

Something I read from facebook - 我输得起！

True that. 

We are still young so just try out any opportunity. 

Good luck friends, you can do it, I can do it, we all can.