oct 2026

 hello little blog 

六个月了。。。

当妈六个月了

时间说长不长但是领悟的事不少

领悟最大的是 - 时间。。。和人？ 

现在大部分的时间都是给了小朋友

很难得的抽出时间给自己和重要的人

重要的人目前看来是zw和小朋友

这几个月的时间不知道是荷尔蒙还是我瞬间长大了还是我清醒了（终于？）

这几天感觉不太被在意的朋友接住，我开始抽离

我尽量把专注力回归自己

虽然同时也在想很多 - 为什么我会这么觉得，我需要的是什么，我想要在对方的身上得到什么等等

我很想感谢这次的自己，把自己从事件里抽离把专注力放到自己这里

我不知道这样所谓的抽离是好还是不好

或许没有什么好还是不好只有怎么让自己舒服一点和让自己的情绪消化一下

大人的世界确实复杂，没有很直接的对或错，黑或白

一切的一切都游走在灰色地带

一切的一切都是中性

一切的一切都是我们自己的经历判断每件事的性质

很妙

也很。。。懊恼？

这是 - 生活

这是 - 活着 

我一直都在想生活，活着有没有可能以另外一种发式进行

有没有可能以比较放松比较安全比较。。。友善的方式进行

很不幸（？）的是，好像没有办法也不可能

可能如果以比较友善的进行，活着就没什么意思。。。了吧？

这。。。还是值得去思考一下

或许友善还是留给自己比较好

毕竟这条路还是得靠自己走下去

嗯。。。宝贝起床了，就写到这里吧

即将展开新身份

 最难熬的2025年终于都跨过了

但是我觉得生命中没有最难熬只有更难熬的

主要还是看我们怎么面对所有的一切一切

而我需要不停的练习相信，相信自己，相信自己可以承受everything good or bad，one step at a time

今天终于开始放慢脚步开始享受我的产假

给宝宝上了一天的音乐课

一整天下来一直在播放我喜欢听的歌

今天选了celine dion的歌 

听着听着眼泪不自觉的流下来（hormones）

虽然是说hormones 

但是更多的感受是我觉得我好像没什么变还是如此感性如此emotional

我一直以为我变了我一直以为自从去年的磨练我变了

或许我有变但是骨子里的感性还在

听着celine dion唱着 “you are here，there is nothing i fear“

真的很有感触

那个you 我想了想是我自己吗

to be fair 人类还是需要互相依靠才能健康的生存

所以有些时候那个you是我自己，可以是他，可以是家人

但是话说回来自己还是最靠得住吧

看来这篇文非常我自己 我没有变 好熟悉的我

anyway

即将展开的新身份 - 妈妈

目前还是有点难以置信

心情非常复杂

有期待有害怕有担忧

期待是期待看到宝宝到底会长什么样呢

害怕是害怕接下来种种的挑战

但有时担心宝宝到底健康吗我有给到她足够的营养吗我有给到她不好的东西吗

担忧占据比较多目前

只因为最近跑医院的次数比较多

所以现在我只希望赶快把她拿出来看看她有没有什么不舒服

好啦

其实也没有什么好说了

主要是想说我没变哈哈哈哈

还是一样。。。。。。

一样很自己😂

也没有什么不好吧

just gotta be more cautious with my choices on feelings most of the time 

am i over it or...not

hi es

how have you been 

lets be a little cliche

how are you my inner child 

haha 

overall i think i am doing pretty well 

though there are times where i still think about the past 

but i dont dwell in that for too long 

work has been busy 

lots to learn 

lots of learning in people management 

lots of learning in carrying myself in people management 

so yes its all learning and managing everything at the same time 

sounds a little hectic 

yes that is right 

i would be lying if i say its all sailing smooth 

but all is good 

anyway

therapy has been good 

i did a card for patty but have not send it out yet 

at times i am so grateful that i took this path 

sometimes i wonder if who am i today was because of what happened in the past 

i am worry that i might be a little too sensitive (?)

sometimes i do think that what happened in the past does shape you into you today 

so yeah a lot of thinking 

but overall its good its good 

if it isnt any good i think i would be stuck in the same mud hole 

i am out of it 

i just need to slowly move forward which i think i did 

but at a very slow pace and sometimes i tend to stop and look back 

so yeah iykyk

so - 

zw brought up today that yy has invited us to her wedding next year 

the first question i asked zw was 

"is A invited as well"

then i felt very uneasy and lots of worry just decided to come to visit me 

it is still a blur to me why do i feel that way 

so i am here

hoping that noting down this will help me to manage my emotions a lil better 

so few things 

there are a few emotions i could label 

fear fear fear worry scared 

fear as i do not know how to face her 

fear as i do not know how to carry myself if i see her 

fear as i do not know if i should say hi to her 

fear as i do not feel like saying hi to her actually but not sure how people would see me 

fear as i do not feel like even seeing her actually 

fear as i am worry that i could not be the bigger person like what zw expect

scared as i do not know how she sees me as a person now 

perhaps she would think that i am the one who tried so hard to climb over her wall 

which i wont deny coz i did but with an intention to be closer with her where i was rejected in the harshest way it could be and with 0 respect 

i have come a long way 

but it also seems like i have not come a long way 

because it seems like i am still being affected with her (possible) presence 

because we do not know if A was invited anyway 

so why am i bothered 

haha just fear 

have i done anything wrong 

perhaps probably 

did i try to fix the wrong doing that was labelled

yes i did i tried so hard 

ok so i think i am good now

i tried so hard to fix the issue 

its not being seen 

at all 

but blame 

i have come a long way 

it is ok to feel fear scared and worry 

it is ok 

i have myself 

i can manage this 

i can not say hi to her 

i think i can 

i think i want to be selfish for once 

so am i over it or not 

perhaps not 

do i need to be over it 

i dont think so

it is part of my story 

it will be there forever 

i might be thinking about it at times

i might be affected by her at times

and that is ok i guess

i am able to manage the waves of emotions 

it is what it is 

overwhelmed

being someone who takes everyone so seriously can be quite overwhelmed at times 

the past two weeks have been really occupied 

it almost felt like there was no time to process anything that I'm feeling 

but anyway 

I've learnt so much so so much from all the experts from infant milk powder industry 

not gonna lie that there are so much to take in and process 

not gonna lie too that I'm putting a very high expectation on myself too 

I've been getting lots of kind words and encouraging words from the management team 

the audit part was really hectic but I enjoyed it 

I love the team spirit where everyone work together to get one thing done 

the bond we built for the past two weeks have been amazing 

now that the audit has come to and end 

we are now back to the normal days

which means saying goodbye, for now

which means going back to our duty and not seeing each other for 7 days a week from 8am to 6/7pm

it's kinda sad tbh 

aih im not good in saying goodbye 

believe . 相信

i guess everything has come to an end 

well slowly 

decided to do this blog instead of writing on my diary today

anyway lets get back on the...story

in reality things has end 

though in the ugliest way and in the most un-peaceful way 

it was a choice 

it was her choice 

she decided to post things online on public instead of talking to us talking to me 

it was her choice 

she decided to tell us things in the most passive aggressive way 

it was her choice

she decided to tell us that she is not happy in the most unhelpful way to the situation in the most indirect way 

i dont blame anyone if i told them what she did to us even if it was my closest friend

because what she did was unbelievable 

she has always been perfect 

she has always been the most big hearted person 

she has always been the most easy person 

but if i am being honest 

it is sad to feel that the close friend doesnt quite buy what i said 

it does 

but i clearly know they may not wanna get into this messy situation 

but i dont know if that is the reason 

or maybe they just done believe what i said 

but does it really matter 

it does not really matter actually 

because this is my journey 

so i told the therapist that this journey is quite lonely at times 

for the reason being that they dont see what i see and they dont feel what i feel and they may not believe what i see or say 

(i did say she is trying to get all the attention she gets and play the victim in this incident)

the therapist agreed and she say healing is sometimes painful too 

i nodded quite vigorously 

the therapist also added that in any way we should believe in ourselves that this is our experience and what has happened did happen 

so yes believe 

i choose to believe myself my experience this time though it is so difficult 

but anyway 

i wanna thank those (less than one handful) of people who told me that nobody deserve such treatment like that i have received for the past few months 

i also wanna thank those who actually i feel they believe what i said at the first time where i dont have to keep explaining myself keep providing evidence for what i said 

on the other hand

i also wanna thank those who tell me apologizing means nothing when you have done something wrong 

i also wanna thank those who tell me apologizing does not mean forgiveness will be given 

thanks for telling me all these harsh truth but i dont work this way 

i wouldnt treat the ones i care in any way like what she did 

i believe there are many many many other way to resolve a conflict 

i believe there are many many many gentler way to resolve a miscommunication 

i believe there are many ways to work things out 

but that is what i believe 

not her 

...

so long my friend 

we shall not meet for a good while 

it has been too much to take in and process

and very painful too 

you may not feel the pain

but that is not important anymore

but i also do believe you are going through some painful thoughts that led you to react this way

i hope you find your way out some day 

...

love,

esther 

healing

Healing is a very long process

If you did follow the story, it has been almost half a year now 

And I am not fully recovered from that 

How shocking is that 

I have not cried so much when my last romantic relationship ended 

In fact I have not cried so much in my life 

This hit me real hard I guess 

But anyway I can now say I am much better than before 

I would start crying when I first open my eyes in the morning

I would start crying while driving 

I would start crying at any random time 

Why 

Because the guilt is so strong that it almost felt like it is going to eat you up 

I once read from a book that wrote self guilt is worse than a jail

It is not wrong at all

It does feel like a jail a prison a heavy burden on your shoulder 

The therapist once ask me, when do you want to let this burden off your shoulder 

The moment she finish this question I remember so clearly that I burst into tears 

Because I do not know when and I do not know how 

The guilt is following me anywhere I go everywhere I go 

It was a mistake that I made 

There are a lot of voice in this healing process 

Some say it's your mistake you must take this punishment 

Some say so what you did apologise 

Some say so what if you apologised would a murderer be forgiven if he apologise 

Some say it's okay let it go friends grow apart at some point

So yeah these are the voices that I have heard throughout the healing

Some are harsh so very harsh 

Some are very supporting

Regardless these are all voices from the outside 

But I know my inner voice is the most important voice I should be listening 

For the past few months I have been working on to listen to my inner voice 

For the past few months I have been trying to find out if it was really my mistake and if I should take this so called punishment 

For the past few months I have been trying different ways to make myself feel better at home 

For the past few months I have been asking myself if I deserve this silent treatment 

For the past few months I have been asking myself if not talking to each other IS OKAY 

For the past few months I have been trying to be okay 

I thought I have been okay or at least "recovered" 

Sometimes I feel like I have "recovered" from this 

But whenever I talked about or thought about it

It hurts so much, still 

It's almost a 10 years old friendship 

How could it be so fragile 

Will I ever find my answer? 

Maybe there is no answer 

Maybe one day I will forgive myself and be happy again 

Maybe there was no right or wrong just not right 

...

Friendship break up is a thing. 

In case you wonder what happened that I have to go through an at least 6 months long of silent treatment 

I deleted her in instagram 

And the reason was at one point of the time I felt like I am going to lose this friend and I felt like I have to prepare myself for that 

Hence that silly and impulsive action 

And this is the consequence 

Silent treatment 

Treating you as if you are invincible at home 

Yep. 

I am trying to be okay with this because people say it is okay 

 been staring into blank for an hour or so 

there are so many things i wanna share 

but i dont have words for any of those things